legamlebam
year 33 of life
yet happen to be 3 years and 3 months within these journey
when the boat was start to sinking..
shit.
should i believe this numerology things or should i just pass and say: “this is just coincidence.”
but then today i gain my energy back through couple therapy
i couldn’t see any rational link, but..
yeah, whateva.
idk what you try to lead me, life.
so just be it.
ciao!
what did i do to your future?
its hard to see your happy face with my devastated heart.
i cried all night, meditate all time, sleep more and less eat.
how to make it right, dear god?
eventho i saw the orange butterfly in between my tears, i believe theres good afterall is well.
but its so easy to be dragged tp the sadness.
as a woman saod to me couple days ago—on dofferemt context but indeed relevant.
its not fate nor tragedy, its because what weve done.
its totally caused by what ive concsiously done! 😭
shit.
how could i did this to me?
i’m aware but not conscious?
can i still be saved?
😭
11.23pm
tubi-tubi sesak dada dan penat pala
it struck.
i’ve seen it last night in my dream.
warm. gentle. fascinating.
it shine like brightest smile with adorable eyes.
it keeps me safe with act and word.
and i still think about it till night.
on this whoosh trip.
you’re also whooshing keep.
di antara langit jakarta dan denpasar, upaya untuk tetap slow dan tenang dengan membaca ‘the things can you see only when you slow down’ di tengah temaram lampu kabin terus terdisrupsi jiwa-jiwa mungil yang kerap menuntut bergerak ke bilik kecil di ujung pesawat—yang airnya berhenti mengalir, doh.
aku terus berkeluh dalam dada. bulir-bulir sesal beberapa kali kuulang-ulang di kepala.
“kenapa aku pesan hotel di sanur bukan di ubud? sementara meeting pagi esok di sanur batal. kegiatanku banyak di ubud. uh, aku harus bangun subuh lusa. err, kan habis dari benoa ke sanur lagi.”
“duh, kenapa aku ngga bawa earmuff anak-anak? padahal sebelum berangkat adik udah pake. cuma karena aku malas cari yang punya kakak dan mobil jemputan sudah tiba, ditambah validasi earmuff tidak perlu untuk anak di atas 2 tahun.”
“ugh, kenapa tadi ngga beli makanan proper untuk makan malam anak-anak? ternyata delay 2 jam dan anak-anak jadi cuma dinner pop mie dan smax.”
“kenapa tadi aku suruh buang dua gelas minuman sebelum dipindah ke botol minumku yang kosong? huh, aku jadi kehausan di udara.”
hanya itu yang aku ingat, tapi rasanya banyak sesal-sesal mini yang membuatku kesal.
mengumpatnya di kepala hanya semakin membuat urat-uratku pegal.
mengurainya lewat kata-kata ternyata sangat membantu melegakan perasaan, meski entah. aku masih belum menemukan alasan di balik gerutu ini atau pelajaran yang dituju dari gurat-gurat emosi ini.
lalu aku ingat sebuah pesan dari pekan lalu: bekerjasamalah dengan malaikat-malaikatmu.
aku pun ingat membawa buku kecil bersampul kuning yang jlkutaruh di koper kuning.
jam di tangan kiriku pun bergetar,memberi tanda detak jantungku yang diatas rata-rata. 103 bpm katanya.
beberapa hari ini memang dia sering muncul kembali, setelah beberapa pekan lalu sempat hilang.
oh, karena aku terlena meninggalkan dietku. berhenti rutin berjalan kaki dan angkat dumble.
ok, aku harus berupaya keras lagi kembali ke kebiasaan sehat. demi menyambut tahun baru 2024 di berat enam puluh kilogram.
bismillah. (?)
jelang landing, 16 oktober 2023
10.54 wita
to the car rent. and they strictly say to me they will pick up the car at 11pm.
i already get laid at 7pm.
thought i need more time, ispontaneously book a massage. they only available at 9pm.
oh i can do one hour then still have another hour to head back to the homestay.
then the spa reception offer me two option: one hour and two hour with face massage.
i instantly choose two hours.
then it will make me finish at 11pm.
while it took at least half an hour to go back to the home that i stayed.
well..
🤣
on a seroious note, why’d i always love to rush?
why i tend to choose the narrow time?
hemm~
kemarin rasanya memang jungkir balik. but all is well, eventually.
but dunno why today i was in rage. where is it coming from?
today running rush, as always.
leaving hotel at 8, drop clothes on laundry while ordering hot capp for take away. coming to the class in the middle of morning sing, sharing echo of the night and embracing it. and it goes all the way explore about angels.
closing with wet on wet painting but i’m actually couldnt really enjoy myself.
pas mau pulang kesel banget sama aturan rental mobil yang ga fair tapi baru diinform setelah ditanya, ga inform in advance. terus jadi ngegas gegara hal kecil. terus sebel banget kaga dapet parkiran di tempat makan siang tujuan cuma gegara ada yang parkir ga bener.
sampe bilang ke mba nya, “jadi bisa ga saya makan disini?”
whooosaaaaaaah
whyyyyyy?
ok. breath.
write it down and discover later.
mataku tenggelam di layar gawai yang dihantar sunyi.
hingga sunyi terpecah dengan derap kaki mungil yang melangkah perlahan ke seluruh penjuru ruangan.
aku tau, tapi aku tetap diam.
hingga waktuku bercengkrama dengan ekskresi berakhir, aku menyalakan secercah air.
percikannya terdengar lembut seakan memanggil dan bersuara, “hey, aku disini.”
langkah kaki itu oun mendekati kamar mandi, dan perlahan mendorong pintu yang tak terkunci.
wajah mungilnya muncul dibalik sela-sela pintu. tersenyum lugu. rambut keritingnya seakan semakin menambah kegemasan. gigi kecilnya mencuat seiring senyumnya yang semakin merekah seperti menemukan harta karun.
“he. he. atay cayi cayi bubuuuuuuuu!”
bandung, 10 sept 23
woah wild.
idk. i was sleeping ober at a m friend house. a farang. i was scrolling on my phone while lying on bed and found a cat fight.
i ask, what happened between them two?
he said one wa his former wife, because he thought she’s change so he marry her. one.is his another lover. that’s the context.
suddenly he cried. i said i’m sorry for you.
and he kiss me. i shock but kiss him back.
then we go somewhere, i still have my husband with his issues. my childs was with him.
he tried to PSA but i said can we hold? i still have marriage. he said yes. i said wow, this is amazing becahse i can be assertive.
then he play nice to my friend
theres ny other old friend, fahri bule, show up. got a scholarship of percussion and people are celebrating him. then the farang showing him what percussion it is. wow talented.
then i met my child. my husband was neglect them becajse he play doccer and did other job.
people asking to take picture, the farang gave him his ipad. i took a shilouette of my husband. and butlrsting to other picture. afraid to hurt farang feeling, i tried to scroll up to erase my husband picture but theres too many on his camera roll.
then he grab his phone and put a selfie mode, i refuse to take selfie because i was messy and theres my husband neraby.
we pass through my child, theyre learn 123 with sendy (in real life he just have baby)
then the farang said, dud you use me?
then i wake up lol
legamlebam 